deep thoughts on nothing

I love you more than anything and you will never know how much you mean to me.  No matter what is wrong you are always my bandage and my fix.  I know you love me through everything, the good, the bad, and even the worse.  I love the way you smell, its so natural and calming.  Your arms are all the comfort i need whenever something is too big for me.  Your face is so engrained in my head.  I never want to forget your smile, your beautiful eyes, or your sweet rosy sweet cheeks.  We have been through a lot but the only difference is that i had you to lean on and i didnt give you the same respect.  I wonder how i let life spiral out of control and i know i have no one to blame but me and you are the best person ever for loving me anyway.  At times when i thought i couldnt sink any lower, you were there holding me up.  I know i have disappointed you yet you still seem to look at me with love.  I will never understand that love you have for me.  You understand what i am going through, and knew what it was like when it felt like my life was ending but i still didnt trust you enough to let it all out.  I didnt trust anyone even myself.  I still have trouble everyday knowing everything i have done but seeing you always makes it ok.  I see how you are today and it gives me hope that one day i will be whole again too.  You are and always have been my best friend, companion, and leader.  I look up to you in many ways that i dont know if you can every fully understand.  I am sorry for anything i have done that hurt you in anyway because that was never my intention.  I hope one day we can have everything that we used to.  sometimes it seems so hard not to let the pain take over and it is always easier to give in.  Fighting it off seems only to bring more on. I think about it everyday.  Everyone i see has a feature he had and there is always something that reminds me of him.  I swear i see him where ever i am.  I almost feel the need to find a good one just to prove to him that i am worth more than he will ever be.  Sometimes i wish i could go back to the way it was before but young and naive is no way to live but i would give anything to go back to it.  You have been my support and the only words i needed. you have shown me what i need to be and how i can be better.  With God’s help i have become who i am today.  i am a strong and independent woman.  No one can ever take that away from me.  I hate being distant from you because it kills me inside.  I have fought so long and hard to not let the darkness in but i fear i am losing.  Each day it gets harder to get out of bed and put on a smile.  I have thought so many times about making it all go away but then i know i couldnt go through with it.  I always think of you and how you say you dont know what you would do without me.  I cant live without you and i dont know what i would do without you.  You are the reason i am where i am today.  You  are the reason i make it and the reason i will ever be better.  You see me for who i really am and not the face i put on.  You know me better than anyone.  I lie and dont tell you things because i am afraid they will hurt you or that you will get fed up and stop loving me.  No matter what you always forgive me and never stop loving me.  My wounds heal and the pain subsides but i am forever reminded of the pain i caused you.  your love lightens my load and your hugs relieve the pain.  You are everything.  You taught me how to be strong and gently.  You taught me discipline and showed me love.  You made me tough and sweet.  You made me strong willed and strong hearted.  You showed me that building walls was not the right way to prevent hurt but i did it anyways.  Now that my wall is thicker than ever and it seems that no one can break it, but then you speak and it cracks, you cry and it crumbles, you love and it falls.  You break the unbreakable, move the unmovable, and love the unlovable.  I wouldnt change anything that has happened because i know it made me who i am today.  I let you down and i regret it.  i am working for you to be proud of the person i am becoming.  I cant wait to grow up because i know when i am not good enough you will be there to fix it.  when i cant be everything you will be there holding up my end of the deal.  You are irreplacable in my heart.  Your smile lightens the room, and i miss your sincere laugh.  Times might be tough but our love will always stand.  What we lack in riches we gain in love.  These are just a few words expressing how i feel but nothing can truly explain what you are to me.  i know no matter what, with you here, everything will be ok.

The Piece of paper

I am like a piece of paper

I am light in spirit and thin in heart

i sway easily at the softest wind

but i hold firm when i get just a lil help

I get written all over and discarded at the slightest imperfection

I have many little mistakes

that people tend not to notice everyday

I carry the burden of those in control of me

and i keep inside whatever is written on my skin

i know the darkest of darks

and i see the greatest of ease

i am seen in so many different ways

but i can also be used many different times without breaking

i can be recycled and shown a new life

but it is the decisions of my maker when i am done for good

I have holes that can never really be filled

i blend in when i need to and stick out when necessary

i am ordinary in every way but extraordinary in none

there are other papers more important than me

and there are other paper that will be tossed earlier than me

i am just one of many exactly like me

waiting for their time to count

waiting for my time to shine and be important

I tear easily but i hold can hold strong

if treated right i can last for a long time

i can fly like a bird

and soar like a sparrow

or i can fall like a rock

or drop like a stone

it all depends on how i am held

it matters what my shape and design

I am not important until i am not there anymore

then you will realize how much you loved me

and how much you miss me when i am gone

views

my goal was to get more views so i would put more wierd tags…..well i think i now have an average of one view a day and that is pretty awesome.  I like that one person and if they are different people then i love you all!!! please if you read this leave me a comment…i want to talk to ppl!! meeting new ppl is my fav!! and it makes me feel like i am not a total loser : )  So if you got something to say to me….do it!!

Forever love

So have you ever been completely in love with someone?  I am talking irreversible, forever, no matter what love  Well i have but only twice.  One of them was my boyfriend for 7 months and i  was going to spend the rest of my life with him.  He was my love and my all.  We broke up when he decided to choose the drugs over me and i had had enough.

The second was someone i grew up with.  He went to my church my whole life, so i have know him for almost 19 years.  Since i was at the age that i thought guys were cute he was the one for me.  I kept it quiet, only telling my mom, for years.  It wasnt until i was about 16 that i decided his parents knew by that point because i was close to them.  They knew and they were like my parents already so that added even more to my cause.  Well he found out, and we did nothing about.  We barely talked anyway so it wasnt awkward and we were in a position i could handle.  Long story short we started talking more, became better friends, and when he broke up with his girl we decided to just go on a date and try.  We did.  A movie and Steak n Shake turned out to the the best ever.  We held hands, cuddled, and kissed at the end.  That was our only time that we got together and our time ended.  It was the best night of my life and i guess to him it was just a date.  He said he liked me but wasnt ready for a relationship and we were afraid of hurting each other.  Long story short, now he is courting some girl, they are going to get married, and i feel crushed.  All they talk about is each other and how much they are in love.  For some reason, it has been like 2.5 years since i dated him that one time and i feel crushed.  I think i just need to get over him but i saw myself with him for the rest of my life.  I thought that way for many years and its not something i can just let go because he found someone else.  He has wanted to marry someone else before but never like this.   I know what i should do i just dont want to.  I think he will always be my permanent crush that i always wish i had fought harder for.

Thats all i have to say…just needed to get that off my chest : )

“The winds of night so softly are sighing–
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.”

New Things

So here goes…I love having this blog to just go to when i need to type things…and talk about things.  I am sure that the only people that read it are the ones who accidentally come across it when searching something but thats ok, at least some people are reading it sometime.  It would be nice to get some comments but i understand that people dont really care about the blog of someone they dont know.

My roommate got back from a meeting today and told me something wonderful! So we are both straight with bisexual tendencies.  We both like both sexes but like  the male sex better.  I find women very attractive and i love being with them and pleasing them.  In the end i want a man in my life and i am not a lesbian.  There is a difference between my roommate and i and then lesbians.  Well she has never had a sexual experience with a girl. Today she did!! There was this girl she has been crushing on and they saw each other today and it got hot and lets just say fingers were in places and moans were escaping their mouths.   : ) I am very proud of her and i am sure she is very happy.  I dont think that smile will leave her face for days.  so for those of you who had an out of the box experience or do something for the first time…leave it in a comment…and it doesnt have to be sexual just something that you wouldnt normally do.  : ) its always good to hear feed back

The post i had before about getting my ex back…i totally take it back.  I have changed my mind…yet again : ) but thats me and thats my personality.He texted me and said he was going to jail.  I freaked almost started crying and was trying to figure out what i could do to help him.  He called a couple hours later and said it was all a joke.  I was really pissed and then on top of it all he said “I cant believe you are that blonde”.  i got super pissy and shitty!! That is not a joke you play on someone.  I was worried and freaked while him and his little buddies all had a good laugh about how stupid i am.  Then on top of it all earlier that day..he decided to call my already in failing health mom and tell her i was going to a party and worry her that i was going to hurt my self or get caught by police.  I had already told her about the party but not about drinking and it being on halloween.  He decided to do my job for me.  Our whole relationship he had been a tattle and i kept turning the other cheek but that was it for me.  I am 18 and in college…please let me make my own decisions with out the input of my mommy.  If you got a problem come talk to me about it…not my mom.  only children need their parents to solve their problems.  I cant believe i was so stupid to believe he had changed.  I guess i just wanted to stop being lonely so bad that i was willing to give up my morals and settle.  It is NEVER good to settle for anything.  i know i deserve the best even though i might not show it.  I have found friends and other people who are there to support me and i know i dont need him anymore.  I have others.  So comments on any of this?

One thing i really hate in people is when they are two faced and i believe i was duped by someone like this.  I am liked in private but the minute there is someone else in the vicinity he is not the same.  i am not allowed to kiss him or anything in public.  He only show affection in private.  I will not stand for this.  If you really like me then you should be able to tell people and not be ashamed of me.  That is all i have to say on this topic : )

Lyrics from one of my favorite movies and songs : ) speaks to me!  if you want the song it is from the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and its called Hushabye Mountain : ) <3

“The winds of night so softly are sighing–
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.”

The day before Halloween…

sooo…its been a while since i have blogged but i decided to make one today.  its the day before halloween and i am not really doing anything!! hit me up! : )

so for halloween tomorrow i am going to be a vampire….yah i know not very original but it is truly my first halloween that i am ever…thats right EVER!! celebrating.  my mom never allowed to me celebrate halloween so i am pretty much so freakin excited! i am going to a fraternity party and i just need to go out!  i havent actually gone out with more than my roommate in over two months….i am in need of some major help.

so i think i am leaving the old behind and getting on with the new.  i need new friends and a new group of people.  so..if you want to be my friend..let me know : )

No Appreciation

So dont you hate it when people have no appreciation for what they are given? I do!  I see it everyday.  It might be a friend of mine, people on tv, and i even see it in myself.  Sometimes i think to myself…Man my life sucks…but it really doesnt.  I may have family problems, many health problems (sidenote- i was diagnosed with another infection today : ( ), and no boyfriend but really my life is a lot better than most people’s.  I have the privilege of a roof over my head, food on my table, and clothes for my body.  there are so many people out there that dont have that and i am lucky to have it.  There are even more people who cant go to college because of no money or some other reasons but i am so excited to be given this opportunity to be able to further my education.  It just bothers me that people cant see what they have.  If people appreciated everything they have then our would be an immediately better place.  thats all i have to say in that topic.

Now about that infection.  So it is only a bacterial infection which can be cured really easily…i guess.  I have to inject my vagina with a gel that will clear it up.  Yah thats right read it again…inject.  I stick this long white thing up there and push the medicine into me.  This has to be the single most wierdest thing i have ever had to myself.  That makes three infections in three weeks…no i am not looking for a world record.  My body is just wearing down and i need to start taking better care of me.  I started eating better again today and i started exercising.  I am going to try exercise for about 30 minutes or more everyday.  If anything it will make me healthier.  I want to be skinnier too : ) but thats another topic.  I just want to feel better…and especially now with the prego scare thing going on i just cant take all this stress.  I dont know if i am or now…but we will have to see.  I pray every second of every day that i am not.  Please pray with me!

So other than my large rant on appreciation and my infection my day overall was….well yah that was my day.  4 hours in the doctors office waiting…and its not like i am the only one in there.  All around me are people coughing, sneezing, lying on the ffloor, and just overall dying…so if i didnt have any sort of cold or flu i am sure i do now!  That is just great.  My immune system is already dying and here is just another catalyst.  i know i am complaining about it and it was my choice to go so i will stop now.  I just think it sucks! : )

So i will make sure and have my roommate let you guys all know if i die…its not like anyone reads this anyways, but whatev!! at least i am getting my thoughts out and down!

<<T-Money>> (new nickname like it? its from my roomie)

Poem for my baby : )

So i wrote a poem about my future child…it doesnt mean i am pregnant it just means that i cant wait to have kids and i wrote it about them : )

I can’t wait for you

My little human being

You will be my life

You are the one I see in my dream

Whether boy or girl

No matter how you come to me

I will cherish everything about you

Because I know you will fill me with glee

You will be my little gift from God

My blessing from above

I will be your shoulder to cry on

And I will give you all my love

From the first moment I hold you

In my heart, a place you will have

Maybe you will have my eyes, or your daddy’s nose

Whatever features God gave

Then you will be my little toddler

Always running about

And I will have to keep up with those little legs

And listen to every little pout

I will watch you grow in to a child

Of about 6 or 7 years old

When you will develop an attitude like mine

And always hate doing what you are told

And right before my eyes

You become a tender preteen

As we deal with the opposite sex

And whatever is the new scene

Your heart will blossom

As you have your sweet sixteen

And I have to see your heart broken

As you think about what had been

And as you get over each heartbreak

You will grow and leave for school

I might hear from you everyday

But probably not because its not “cool”

Then as you bring home the “one”

The one that will make you whole

For the rest of your life, you’ll be with them

Because they can see your perfect soul

I will get the call

When you are expecting one of your own

And months later I will have my grand baby

A love that I have not yet known

But no matter what you are

Or where you lay

I have loved you forever

And you will always be my baby

Getting him back : )

So here I go with an update of today’s event!! Today was such a crazy day!  I got to sleep in real late which was very nice but then I had to get up and go to the old house, the one we just moved out of.  We worked there until about 6:30.  We had Culvers for lunch which was freakin AMAZING!! Then we came back here to the new house and I started to cook dinner.  I was making pancakes but my boyfriend didn’t want that so I made him some soup.  Anyways so to get to the crazy part.  I have decided to break up with my boyfriend and get back with my ex.  My boy  now is so lazy and never offers to do anything and never says thank you for all the time I spend driving him to get him all around and back to where he has to be and then all the money I spend on him buying him food and whatever else he says he needs.  I am so tired of always supporting the person I am with.  So anyways the ex I want to get back with is my first love.  He told me tonight that he has a new girlfriend and I cant take that.  It was like a knife in my back which I am sure was how it was for him when he found out I was with someone else.  He has been trying to get me back for a long time now but I just never wanted to because I didn’t feel that he had grown up enough.  He is very immature and isn’t going anywhere with his life.  I don’t want to be with someone like that but I came to realize that I cant live my life without him.  He is a wonderful person and great boyfriend he just has some problems.  But that’s ok I know together we will be great.  We have always been great together.  Even my mom told me today that she thinks he is the one I am supposed to end up with.  She has always loved his as her son and she says no one will ever compare to him. I totally agree because I find myself comparing him to everyone else I have been with and that’s not good.  No one will ever live up to him and I don’t want him to be the one that got away or the one I will always wonder about.  Well anyways I am hoping to convince him to come here next weekend.  The only problem is the he lives in Illinois and I live in Indiana.  Its about a 5 hour drive to see each other.  So hopefully if he will come here this weekend I can get him to break it off with this new girl and take me back!

I think I am going to ask him out with this letter I wrote him.  It is an explanation of my feelings and why I cant live without him!  I miss him and love him so much.  My heart hurts so much everyday I spend without him.  I hope this time I don’t change my mind and really mess things up.  I have trouble making decisions and sticking to them…I guess it all comes down to whether he will come here or not and I don’t even know if he will take me back… I am so hoping so!!

Bad Decision : (

So that completely just messed everything up!  As you know I haven’t been feeling well for a couple weeks now.  Well tonight my boyfriend and I had sex because I have been feeling better.  Without warning or anything he decided that the right choice to make is to cum in me…yah NOT THE RIGHT DECISION!!!  I am so mad and even after that he just rolled over and fell asleep…I cant believe this.  I know in the blog before this I was talking about how he would support me and so would my mom…but I know no matter how much I want it…now is not the right time for a pregnancy!!  I am not ready for it.  I don’t know what to do now because I don’t have the money for the Plan B pill and I don’t know what else I can do.  I will not have an abortion by the way.  I don’t believe in it so I if I were to get pregnant I would be carrying it full term and I would never give up my flesh and blood up for adoption.  I am not saying that those who do it are bad. They are not bad people. I am just saying I could never do it.  So here goes.  The next month will be the true test to see what will happen.  Its not like no one has ever cum in me before…they have.  But then I didn’t feel like it was such a big deal.  I never thought it could happen to me and then I got an STD and I didn’t think could happen to me either.  It was a curable STD but still I learned my lesson.  I am not invincible when it comes to life.  And this time I have a good chance of learning this lesson in an even harder way.  I pray to the Lord that he would not let that happen to me but as a dear friend of mine says “Nothing will happen to me that God and I together cant handle.”  This is the truest statement I have ever heard spoken in my life.  So from here on out it is in Gods capable hands.  If its his timing for me to start my family then it is but I really hope this time that his plan coincides with mine.  God is all knowing and if he thinks I can do this then its up to him, but I know without him I couldn’t do anything.  I know I will be worried, at least a little bit, until I know for sure but here goes.  I place this in Gods hands and I will try my hardest not to think about it. : )